The Exorcist II (The Heretic) - Warner Bros

Warner Bros - John Boorman (1977)

Necro Rating - 10%

This film would be a classic example of style over substance, if it had any style. Unfortunately we feel that this piece of 'cinema' is utterly irredeemable and irrevocably shit - possibly slightly saved by the very cute Linda Blair, who had grown up to be quite foxy since the first film. Yet this is not enough to save this nonsense, as she needs to be about two years older. Incidentally, had Warner Bros decided to wait these two years for Blair, they might have realised that what they were about to release on humanity was inexcusible tripe.

The acting was somewhere between fair and wooden, though more oaken than blond. The overriding feeling was that none of the actors believed in it, which was understandable given the large quantity of unbelievable hokum. For example, the ridiculous plot device of the "Mind Syncer", which our associate Ancestor was unable to get over for most of the film.

The plot (which has no dominion here, Shaman) was weaker than our mother's tea (which is akin to coloured dishwater). It was full of pointless mythology and explanations that were not needed. Any of the first film's mystery was taken out to the streets, stripped naked and viciously raped until no integrity remained. It was left cold, sobbing in the arms of an uncaring neighbour.

Fortunately for the film crew and directors etc, there was no character development. This was a mighty boon as it meant that no real work needed to be done. Instead, money could be spent on the wages of idiots to think of increasingly stupid ideas for the "film". Again, the exception could be Blair, but is not.

The script was meandering, meaningless and full of pseudo-philosophical and pseudo-spiritual bullshit. The director clearly was of the school of thought that including much symbolism (preferably as meaningless as possible) makes a film good. He was wrong. We were amused by Fr Richard Burton's statement that "the world doesn't want any more saints." We wonder what he would make of Pope John Paul II who canonized several jugfuls of saints, and for whom much of the Catholic world is crying fr canonization himself.

The sets used were acceptable and convincing for the American parts of the film. However there was a noticeable difference between these and those set in Africa. For example, rocks were clearly made of plastic they also were shit.

As mentioned above, there was no style. The soundtrack was rubbish; the director saw fit to remove the eerie Oldfield music from the previous film and replace it with some ridiculous cheesy Hollywood romance.

All in all this film was the celluloid equivalent of a week-old pizza and should be avoided at all costs. Few LOLz are provided; see The Exorcist III for this.

Rasputin the Mad Monk - Hammer Films

Hammer Films - Don Sharp (1966)

Necro Rating - 78.57%

The disappointing thing about Rasputin the Mad Monk is that it fails to capitalise on the fullness of the legend. As a standalone film, it is exciting and interesting. But when compared to what 'actually' happened, the film seems to lack much throughout the plot, and the ending seems very anti-climatic. It also is very dependent on the generic Hammer plot device of hypnosis. Nevertheless, it is not fair to judge it too harshly against the events of 'real life' as it is a piece of cinematic entertainment, not a documentary.

The film has 'Hammer' stamped all over it. The luscious sets and the rich colouring add up to make it look like a painting (as we have said before and shall continue to do so).

The film was focused very hardly on the character of Rasputin, and if that comes as a surprise to you, you are a bit of an idiot. This meant that the character development of the other characters did suffer slightly at his expense. Admittedly, most of the other characters were superfluous. As with the plot, it is a shame that the development of Rasputin didn't go further, as a cursory glance at his history shows that there was much material that could have been drawn upon. This does all seem to be very critical, so we feel it is necessary to emphasise that the character of Rasputin was both convincing and effective.

The script was atmospheric, and we have sampled a couple of lines on our radio show. It complimented the acting well. Lee's classic 'sharp-hand-movements' and powerful vocal delivery are superbly used. Barbara Shelley was as good as ever, but Suzan Farmer's role was disappointingly small.

In conclusion, this film is flawed genius.

The Great Divorce - C. S. Lewis

Publisher - HarperOne (1946)
ISBN - 9780060652951

Necro Rating - 90%

Before we begin, let us clarify a number of points. Though C. S. Lewis is an exceptionally readable author, we often find his books to be somewhat saccharine. We found Mere Christianity to be somewhat simplistic, though it had a few good points and was, as mentioned, very readable. But the same can be said of Dan Brown.

Nevertheless we feel comfortable in saying that the Great Divorce is an exceptional book. Despite its literary shortcomings (hark at us), Lewis's style of prose flows well, his language conjuring images of those days when men smoked pipes, wore tweed and were thoroughly decent. He is, as we have said, no Tolkien. But nevertheless, one does not always need complex or sophisticated language for complex and sophisticated concepts. There is often merit in the simplistic.

The plot was solid. And extremely thought-provoking. The scene with the lust-lizard - as quoted by Christopher West - was one of the highlights. The whole concept of the book has made us reconsider what the concept of Universalism means, and the struggle that one must go through in Purgatory. Like anything though, it is not perfect. The extended dialogue chapters were important but sometimes became tedious - though the lack of conclusions made them more interesting.

Much of the character development was established through these means - and despite the occasional tediosity, Lewis is most effective. The character of MacDonald was charming, and reminiscent of Dante's Virgil, and the various hard-hearters were also utterly pitiable. Sometimes they may have seemed detestable - but only in that a reader can recognise, in them, aspects of themselves.

All in all, I would definitely recommend this book.

Dracula Prince of Darkness - Hammer Films

Hammer Films - Terence Fisher (1966)

Necro Rating - 85.71%

One may be forgiven for thinking, having read the previous two reviews, that we are impossible to please. This is untrue, and is proven so by the genius that is Dracula Prince of Darkness.

The usual Hammer style is in place, which always makes for an enjoyable film. The beautiful Eastman colouring makes the viewer feel as if they are looking at a moving painting. Modern films suffer because of their realism; the way that they are shot removes the feeling that one is watching something special. Some may criticise elements such as the 'night' shots, but these lo-fi techniques are part of the charm of a good Hammer film, and the bright red blood etc work in a similar way. One of the best elements of these films are the seemingly extravagant sets, which (coupled with the Eastman colouring) make it seem like a piece of fine art. The effective use of miniatures and studio create an extremely satisfying result.

The script is acceptable, though there is an important point to make here. St Sangster's script was so bad that Lee refused to speak any of his lines (and we wish he had taken a similar stance on the Satanic Rites of Dracula among others). Without Lee's beligerance, this film would have seriously suffered.

We believe that the lack of dialogue is one of the most effective things about this film as it places more pressure on the performance of the actors. Lee is superb (as usual), as is Andrew 'Quatermass' Keir, who plays an unreformed Van Helsing figure. Barbara Shelley is as good as ever, but Suzan Farmer stands out as one of Hammer's best girls. She portrays her character convincingly as cute and demure, and it is a shame that this charming actress did as few films with Hammer as she did. Klove was convincingly grim, and the two husbands did their thing well enough. Though the ham-quota is typically high, it made a number of scenes stand out more; for example, the scene where Suzan Farmer and her husband confront Lee and Barbara Shelley. Even more so than this is the crowning moment of the film, where Klove uses Shelley's husband to resurrect Lee. The clanking sound, and general aesthetic of the scene make this one of Hammer's few genuinely creepy scenes. Any dialogue here would have destroyed the grimness. This resurrection scene is not even trumped by that in Dracula AD 1972.

The plot is satisfying, one of Hammer's better Dracula's, and the inconsistencies (such as two monks restraining a vampire...) do not detract from this. The addition of the Ludwig/Renfield character was a nice touch, considering his absence from 1958s Horror of Dracula. This film is well worth seeking out as it is both one of Hammer's most enjoyable Dracula's and stand alone films.

Van Helsing - Universal

Universal - Stephen Sommers (2004)

Necro Rating - 14.29%

Jacques Derrida often wrote about the inadequacy of language to convey meaning. Following on the the structuralist critics of the 19th Century, he discussed how words are just signs for things that can never truly be expressed. Only when confronted with such an unpolishable turd as Van Helsing do we truly appreciate the truth of his philosophy.

We find it astonishing that such a film actually made it past the cutting-room floor. The concept itself is like one of those ideas that initially sounds like genius, but becomes clear later that it would never work, ever. The attempt to meld several slow-burning gothic classics into a modern day Hollywood Craption film is pageant of abhorrentry, and should never be done. To fans of the classic films, it is insulting that these producers think that they can crudely weld these sacred relics of cinematic genius together, especially when the CGI solder that they use is incapable of holding this raft of entish acting.

The subject of CGI is one that we must dwell upon for a few decades yet. Stephen Sommers clearly graduated from the George Lucas School of Film-Making, in that most of the film consists of two actors talking at tennis ball, against a blue screen. Lord Necro doth not condemn usage of digital effects or blue screens, but in this century we have noticed that writers and directors have become lazy, forsaking solid scripts and direction and relying on these easier routes. It seems that they cannot even be bothered with live-action effects such as puppetry and miniatures. Puppets are clearly more effective, as the actors can interact with them. Proof that this style is not one that should be purused is that four years later, the effects already look exceedingly dated. Watching a film like this is like playing an un-interactive PS2 game. We can only assume that this is the direction that cinema shall continue in for many years to come, due to the self-congratulatory 'bonus' features where the team of hacks claim that they think that the 'special' effects are the "best that they have ever seen".

The 'script' was pooring and full of 'humor'. This superfluous exercise in connecting PS1-graphicked FMVs seemed to be constructed mainly out of trashy one-liners, which we suppose is to be expected from a plotless wonder such as this. Other ingredients included Year 8-level innuendo ("Oooh, a female crotch in my face!") and terrible recurring jokes, such as Faramir's recurring "Friar" gag. Lord Necro's associate, Ancestor, often expressed his wish that Faramir himself would gag, or was gagged. Faramir himself should be highlighted here. We enjoyed his roles in Lord of the Rings and 300, and we feel that this actor should have known better than to paint himself with the war-paint of this tribe of mediocrity. We congratulate him on his attempt at hiding his native tongue of Australianese, but wish him hell for his wobbly attempt at the glorious English accent. The Harry Potter-esque info-dumps - the sole source of 'plot' development, were non-sensical and designed to make the the film accessible for those who have trouble tying their shoes and reading the time.

In a film featuring a dominatrix, three very scantily clad concubines and a monk-molestor, we struggle to see the problem in filming a naked man. There is a scene when an upper-class 'gypsy' drip transforms from werewolf to human. For some reason only explicable to the production team themselves, this goon is wearing a loin-cloth under his wolven form. Attend to the earlier scene, when said drip tears all of his clothes and skin off. We find this fear of portraying the naked male body as insultingly dumbed down, as if families will cower at the sight of a male member. Refer to the Last Temptation of Christ, wear two naked thieves are crucified either side of Defoe. This is prevented from being explicit due to well placed legs. This is acceptable to us. However the means used in Van Helsing is more damaging to young men as they are being taught that their body is something that to be ashamed of.

Prancing around after other cultures in order to make them feel included must be stopped. Active exclusion should not take place, but shovelling in and pointedly displaying figures from 'exotic' religions in the "Q's Lab" scene is disgusting. In the Vatican bunkers, Buddhist monks, orthodox Jews, Islamic clerics, Hindu mystics and some African voodoo queens were all 'included' and 'represented' for the purposes of political correctness. The shout of 'Allah!' was particularly forced and prompted Ancestor, Grhwhnlth and us to cringe. The 'cool' weapons that they were making were sub-Bondian genericisms that the quality controller would have removed, had he not been bullied and ostracized from the production team. On the subject of rip-offs, the bullet-time arrow-cam stunk of sub-Matrix/Lord of the Rings band-wagonry.

The quality of acting was utterly absymal. It was wooden and stilted, but we understand that it is very difficult to act in a convincing way when interacting with yet-to-be-engineered Super Nintendo graphics. We hypothesise that at least 60% of the characters were CGI, making it very difficult for the actors to truly interact. The actors were similarly let down by the environments, of which 80% were constructed from Megadrive graphics. However, this does not explain the lack of chemistry between Van Helsing and Kate Beckinsale.

The film was not without positive features, though looking for them was like searching for a good quality book in WHSmith. Attempting to redeem this crock was the beautiful Kate Beckinsale, the harem of vampire hussies and Hugh Jackman's rugged good looks. However, as one can probably deduce, these are all superficial features. Contrary to the film-makers erroneous beliefs, these are not intrinsic to the plot, as a film should be able to stand alone without an attractive cast. As we highlighted earlier, the acting of all of the above was terrible and chock-full of bad one-liners.

All in all, not even the bleeding Nazarene could redeem this film. One may reap the good parts of the film via Google Image Search, and thus bypass the tacky, plotless plot. Do not watch, even under threat of eternal damnation.

The Biblical Basis for the Catholic Faith - John Salza

Publisher - Our Sunday Visitor Inc., U.S. (2005)
ISBN - 9781592761463

Necro Rating - 12.5%

Some people say, having read a book, that they "cannot recommend it enough". I, Lord Necro, "cannot recommend it," full stop. Don't buy it or read it.

We hear your piteous cries, "Why, oh Lord of Death, dost thou lambast this tome so?" and being the merciful King of Corpses that we are, shall eloquate.

We first discovered John Salza in 2008 when the mortal known as P. Cummins recommended his website, Scripture Catholic. This site proved to be most effective in educating ourselves in ways to combat the heresies of fundamentalist wing of Christianity, who accuse Catholicism as being unscriptural and therefore wrong etc. On the strength of Villein Salza's excellent website, our Lordship decided to purchase this binding of paper and ink to support Villein Salza, and to learn more.

While we do not regret supporting the villein, we are disappointed with what was found therein. His explanations of the practise derided as 'Mariolatry' was eloquent and thorough, as were his dismissals of the heretical lies of Sola Scriptura and his supports of the Church's importance. However, we found his accounts for the nature of the Sacraments, Justification and Salvation to be simplistic, and thus dangerous. Verily, your almighty Necrotic Sovreign did find himself in an awkward position after having read the chapter on the Sacraments, due to the nature of the Eucharist. But after four nights of chillingly perditious strandedity, with the help of the mortal P. Cummins, we were able to reallign ourselves with the Church. We thank this mortal, and the other mortals known in this land as Aquinas, Jimmy Akin and Fr X for their help. For those who wish to investigate the scriptural support for Catholicism, the Rotting One recommends Salza's website, as well as the thing that is known as google.

Those who struggle with the idea of an angry God, mark these words. By the beard of Vargner I tell you, have a look-see over this, this and this.